I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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