half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
