i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
there is glitter all over my balls
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
