Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
