Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
