that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize