What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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