That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
