I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
FUCK WHALES
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
