I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
