you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
