I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
