is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
pray to the hookup gods
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
