How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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