Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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