Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
