i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
