like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
