I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
