Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
