i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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