NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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