could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
