I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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