Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize