After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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