i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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