I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
