Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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