I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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