the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
