also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
