I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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