So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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