I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
