I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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