you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
