Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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