Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
