If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Ladies don't puke and tell
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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