chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
