We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
