I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize