The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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