cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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