You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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