I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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