Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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