I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
