Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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