I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
