I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
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