Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
