it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
