New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't deserve a penis
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
