i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
