That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
