Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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