The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
