why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
