I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
