i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
