Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
