she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
