Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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