Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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