my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
