Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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