apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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