I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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